Question to Bonnie….

Hi dear Bonnie,

First I would like to say that I am scared, deeply scared to ask, to have an answer, because I am afraid the answer will hurt me and feel painful…
When I am deeply in pain I feel the urge to ask this question, but then also after I don’t want to go there, I am afraid to loose everything, to loose Christian, my friend, my boyfriend. I am scared, deeply scared either way… I would like so much that for once it works, yes that for once I am not asked to go alone again and do things I don’t have the strength or the heart to do. I would like so much that for once it is not that that will happen, that will be happening: to loose everything, the connection, and be alone, on my own…. Oh God I don’t want to loose him again, again again, please that it works out this time, please…. And at the same time I don’t know how to “do” that because I can feel this “pull away” inside, this fatality or curse or ‘no other way’ than to be on my own. So I am afraid to ask this question because of the answer, I am so hoping for an answer that helps me, that feels good, that is actually doable for my current capacities, that tells me a real and doable yes everything will be ok and will work out fine, that I won’t loose him, again…. It is so painful to have these bad news again and again…. Please may it stops, I don’t want to loose him, why that happens again and again? And also at the same time I don’t want to feel or be stuck in a relationship where there is no real connection, where I feel rejected and left alone again and again. How do I get out of that? I admit that I am afraid to feel hurt or disappointed by the answer and that without intending it it doesn’t take into account my very earthly human emotional sensitivity…
Yes I want to ask as an help to stay with him (I mean in a real relationship with a deep connection and intimacy) instead of breaking my heart, please I don’t want to loose “him” again, please…

Here is my question, and some context to it. I guess maybe too much and I repeat myself a lot, so please I thank you in advance for your understanding, but I feel the need to write all of that…. So why does Christian, my lover, doesn’t want to touch me anymore? Why doesn’t he want or can’t be intimate with me anymore, loving like a lover as he was in the beginning?
What happened in May last year that at some point he suddenly became distant, cold in some way, not in love and loving like he was? Here but not here in a kind of way. Still here with me and wanting to be with me and do things with me but not in the same way, not in a lover’s way anymore, less and less in a lover’s way. Like if I didn’t inspire or passionate or interest him anymore, like I am no longer a ray of love and joy in his life anymore. Like if he was far from me, cold, like he is keeping a distance with me. He still does after all these months. Everytime we could be intimate, loving with each other he either needs to fall asleep or think or talk about something else like he cannot stand anymore to be intimate and loving and sexual with me, attracted by me.

Sometimes he has an impulse, a desire and within seconds either he falls asleep or changes the subject and talks about something else, like what happened in the day, what activity can he or we do, work, the dvd he wants to watch every evening now, the weather …etc… anything but something loving and intimate. What happened, what did I do, did it come from me? What do I have inside me that makes me live and experience that? Why is our relationship like that? What can I do? What can we do that is really doable by him and me?
Do we have a future together as lovers sharing love and intimacy and connection or is there no hope to be lovers again? I hope dearly that we can be lovers again, it would break my heart otherwise, well it is already broken I think and I hurt a lot from this situation.
I feel already lost and heartbroken and fearful and I know I felt that way before we were together but that doesn’t help me understand why he doesn’t want or can’t be intimate and loving with me anymore….? What can I do? Is there something inside of me that needs to be healed and that can help me, help us with that, with that blockage we are stuck into for many months now? It hurts so much, I hurt so much. I tried to talk about that with him but he quickly feels upset so it almost impossible to talk. He gave me reasons that I feel are not the real reason, either to delude me or to delude himself, and I feel he doesn’t know or can’t tell me the truth.

An important thing I noticed and wonder often about: why do I spontaneously often keep calling him by the name of ‘Pascal’ inside my head when I think of him, especially when I am hurt and upset about this situation between us, instead of his actual real name ‘Christian’?

I know I have clearings and healings to do around love, I feel numb inside in some places, but that doesn’t explain to me why he can’t or doesn’t want to be loving and intimate with me anymore? Can I do something that can help about this?
Will we be able to be loving and intimate again? Will we able to stay together in a real relationship, I mean one where we are loving and intimate again?

Another thing I wonder, is he my twin flame? If he is not and I am still trying to communicate and join with my twin flame, can that interfere in a negative way with my relationship with Christian? And may I be mixing the two without realizing or understanding it?

It hurts deeply to feel rejected again and again…. Is it still possible that we find each other again? Will we be able to do that? Will I be able to do that? Will he be able to do that? Have we still a good future together or is it better we part ways like he suggested in mid-late April last year, when he was upset with me about something he fears deeply even though nothing of the sort did actually occur. It was the first time I didn’t feel connected to him anymore, that he truly rejected me strongly. I was shocked, confused a lot and maybe less confident and more in doubt ever since. Is it better for both of us that we let each other go now that we have deeply triggered each other, maybe is it the main reason we met…., or is it better that we stay together and we can really have a loving and happy future together ?

Why does he falls asleep or needs to think about something else every time we could be intimate and loving with each other (either it be sentimentally, sexually, emotionally, romantically, physically…etc…) now and for many months? At the beginning of this phase last summer he became more and more upset, king of angry I guess, everytime we had a romantic and sexual interaction until we had barely any and no more.
Please this time I hope the answer that I get, your answer, won’t break my heart like it happened again and again in the past, please, please let it be there some affordable and doable hope for me.

Also what is the influence of my mother in all of that? Is she right in what she says to me that I am under his “spell”, under his influence and that he is kind of brainwashing me and that he abuses of my weakness to prey on me, that I am delusionnal and not thinking clearly, something like that? Consciously I can see that this is nonsense but I also feel a part of me that is in doubt, like a maybe more unconscious part of me that doubts and thinks that maybe she is right, maybe I am fooling myself. Even more so in the situation we are now where he is no longer loving or able to be loving and intimate with me.

Now we are more like two roommates or friends that like and appreciate each other, want to see each other, spend time together and sleep (literally) together and do things together when we can but are unable to be loving, romantic, intimate and sexually interacting anymore.

Do I truly want him in my life? Does he truly want me in his life? Do I feel his emotions, thoughts a lot and that confuses me? When I feel so much pain that I want to disappear and leave him without notice, to never come back again, does it comes from me or him ?

Is there or are there other questions it would be a good thing I ask, that I should be asking? What kind, which ones? Is there something else I need to know, to ask?

So yes again I know I was already in a lot of pain before meeting him and being with him. But the fact that he doesn’t want or can’t be intimate and loving with me anymore, that is really really hard and painful, that all these loving attentions and thoughts and actions are gone just like that. Instead there is this distance and need to break the connection anytime it could be intimate and loving either verbally, physically, emotionally or sexually. Either by falling asleep really quickly, or thinking of something else in the blink of an eye or becoming captivated by whatever subject or dvd or activity.

I guess he is avoiding me or avoiding any romantic and loving intimacy between us, but why? What did I do? What can I do? Is there real hope that it changes or am I only deluding myself and avoiding the truth that there is nothing left between us in term of loving intimacy and togetherness and that he will keep avoiding me, maybe even more and more?

I am obsessed by that, why? How to unlock this situation and make progress? That is what my question is all about, why this situation and how to unlock it between us and make progress together, the two of us?

Thank you for reading me, I am sorry for my sometimes clumsy English and I hope you will be able to understand what I wrote. I also apologize for repeating the same stuff again and again, it is because it is such a huge and painful weight on my heart for all these months. Thank you, thank you for your help and with all my kind regards.

Isabelle Cadas