Karmic loop

Dear Bonnie, I live (51) the same life with different scenario where nothing works???? Relationship with people start/stop mostly avoiding from both sides, codependency, love – my husband fell dead on top of me during sex 15 years ago we was only 14 months together, low key jobs from my 15 years of age, hard work with minimum salary unable to see more for myself even when they want me to be manager I refuse because I felt aggression in me???? (I have many diplomas)????, what ever I start creative to do just stop I lose energy and interest believing that nobody want what I do, family – I grow up in distorted traumatic survival condition, poverty, scarcity, abandonment, rejection, betrayal, no fun, I live in isolation, hiding, and I do not know how to get out, when I was therapist I was super scared that I could hurt people???, money all my life not even for basic needs even when I have had I gave it away. From 80* I start with clearings after heart attack at 17, I broke many bones in my body, living on the edge of suicidal thoughts most of my life, but still walking and not giving up???? I have done tones of body, mind, emotional, soul work including Shipibo shamans, Yoruba tribe – they explain me that I am Abiku human born with self distraction (no shit), don Miguel Ruiz Circle of fire, healers, seminars, courses, name it I have done, yours over 70 in my library using every day. That is my life, on and on, the same only different scenario. All that I made I invested in clearings, I pray, I call ascendant masters, angels…. I do not know what normal life is, having friends, money, feeling relax, happy, having enough, what is abundance, intimacy, love. I live karmic life. Please help me to understand and to know why I live what I live ? What can I do and what direction to follow to help myself to use this years of my life the best that I can to finish this mission at best?Thank you. Aleksandra